“Marriage by faith, as practiced in UBFism, is to be avoided at all costs. It is a vile manipulative control tactic from hell.“– Wikigoat
This quote is very good advice. However you must be wondering: What about those who are already in an arranged marriage in UBF? What can they do to leave? These are very important questions that will be answered in this article. But before that there is something else that needs to be addressed.
First you need to understand how marriage in UBF truly works and the true intentions behind it. I will not go into too much detail for that is reserved for the marriage by faith article series in the future.
The UBF marriage process goes like this:
In those days and even now just about the only way to get married in UBF was through “Marriage by Faith,” which meant that a chapter director or – in important cases – Lee himself, one of the founders and director of UBF, assigned a UBF man and a UBF woman to each other and then forced them by any means possible to get married. Usually the marriage candidates barely knew each other or in many cases, such as international marriages, had never seen or met each other before. Sometimes the marriage candidates were told to get married in a week or so without any forewarning. Weddings could also be canceled whenever it pleased a chapter director to do so. Additionally, it was common practice for Lee and chapter directors to break up any pre-existing relationships and force/coerced/manipulate women to give away their children from a previous relationship or marriage.
“What you have to understand is that the marriage “felt” like it was our decision, obeying God’s leading. I understand now that my “feelings” were manipulated so that I made the decision that my leaders wanted me to make. But for so many years, I still thought/felt that it was God’s will so I thought/felt that I made the decision myself.” Rebekah “Beka” Martin, former member of Cincinnati UBF
According to many observations, the husband and wife in such arranged marriages usually hated each other’s gut. This is found to be true for both missionaries and natives. For UBF leaders, however, these marriages were ideal because the couple did not have much interest in each other and therefore preferred spending almost all of their free time at UBF activities. In this way, they did not live a so-called family-centered life, which was just about the worst thing one could do in UBF. As a result, domestic violence, child neglect and abuse most likely occurred in this type of arranged marriages.
Working out problems was usually quite difficult for two people who had been forced/coerced/manipulated into a loveless marriage. But in UBF it seemed to be more difficult because the couple’s leader, usually the chapter director or his wife, was part of their marriage. The difficult, but frequent case is when one partner has estranged from UBF and wants to leave, while the other one is still deeply indoctrinated and loyal – UBF often deliberately makes such unbalanced arrangements in order to bind the less loyal member to UBF through the more loyal member. That’s the chapter director’s true goal.
In that situation it is very dangerous for the one who wants to leave to tell their doubts to UBF members or even to the partner too early. Because if the director notices that one partner has become “shaky”, he will use the two cards he has up his sleeves: Plan A try to create a strong relationship with the loyal partner to influence the other one to stay. Plan B to at least keep the loyal member if he sees Plan A does not work out. When he has to resort to Plan B he is in danger to lose that loyal member.
These plans are very dangerous, because he will try to convince the loyal members that their partner has become “unspiritual” or even an “enemy of God”. He will then try to create distrust and contention between the two, and try to make the loyal member proud to be more loyal to UBF (i.e. God in their view) than to their partner. Thus enabling betrayal. Often times, it follows a divorce and a re-marriage to another loyal UBF member even when they already had children.There are many examples of this.
One example is the story of Joe and Kathy C (former Chicago UBF members) where Chang Woo-Lee used those cards up his sleeves to turn the spouses against each other. https://web.archive.org/web/20031105005120/http://www.ubf-info.de/int/rep/joekathycalabrese2000.en.htm Fortunately Lee failed in the end.
To summarize the true purpose of UBF marriage is to keep you there and continue to carry out UBF’s false gospel Leeism/UBFism.
As far as a married couple leaving here is a guide of recommendations/tips/advice on how to proceed:
Communication with Spouse is a major Key:
How you communicate with your spouse is very essential to leaving UBF for good. When communicating with your spouse Be truly honest with each other (Non-UBF style) ask and answer the tough and honest questions, be upfront, and listen earnestly to each other. It can start with exploring/expanding Christian Theology and pointing out the theological & doctrinal errors of UBF. Check out the Christian Theology Part 2 article: http://ubfriends.net/how-to-leave-ubf-for-good-christian-theology-part-2/ Then speak to each other about your true feelings,thoughts, and emotions. In this way you can develop sincere trust with your spouse without UBF and its methods. When you proceed to do so do it when you are alone with your spouse for chapter directors and the seniors keep a tight surveillance on other couples. Don’t carry out this communication plan too early or before you developed that sincere trust and love (Non-UBF style) with your spouse.
Do’s and Don’t’s
Don’t insist you know everything. There are things you can do yourself. At the same time there are things you will need assistance on. This is why it is essential to develop good communication with your spouse.
Don’t tell the chapter director, the seniors, or anyone else who is pro-UBF that you are planning to leave. For it will result in a unfortunate chain reaction and the chapter will put you through “training” by separating your spouse from you.
“But when Bill went to say ‘Bye, he set off a dangerous reaction from the Chicago UBF leaders, who are sadistic and ungodly, and tried to stop the Browers from leaving. (They never reproached Doctor Helen Rarick for her abusive behavior. Doctor Rarick is a no-sheep shepherdess for many years due to her abusive behavior) Chicago UBF leaders went as far as to try to get Bill to divorce Sandra, though they already had two little kids. Jim Rarick in Chicago went as far as to tell Bill that if he would divorce Sandra, they would get him ‘a better wife.’ The Browers barely escaped UBF before the UBF could totally destroy their family.“– Quote Reference: http://www.voy.com/60734/7563.html
Don’t meet up with the chapter director, seniors, or anyone else that is pro-UBF after you leave. For the break needs to become clean and permanent. Also if you try to meet up with them they will coerce/manipulate/pressure you into coming back to UBF.
Spouses do listen when communicating with each other
Do cut off all contact from the chapter director, the seniors, and anyone else that is pro-UBF (Block their numbers, block their emails, make your social media unavailable to them by privatizing your social media accounts).
Meet with your spouse alone when the time is ripe. Do move the meetings away from any kind of structure for it will just remind you of UBF at its burdensome structure. Check out Chris’ article regarding meetings with spouse: http://ubfriends.net/are-marriage-meetings-a-good-idea/
Whom to seek help from:
Definitely go to marriage/family counseling from a licensed marriage/family counselor/therapist. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to do so. The monetary cost to do so varies on program and location
Seek help from family members. Reconnect with them and make amends.
In UBF you are taught to sacrifice all for UBF. As a result it leads you to near poverty as well as the lack of knowledge and skill to support your family especially if you have children.
“In UBF, we were trained to live by faith and not seek worldly wealth — including careers and whatnot. I sacrificed all of that for the sake of serving on the campus, of living a poor life, and relying on God, so I thought. This has left me unprepared to take care of a family on my own. I cannot believe I had three children and made so very little — we barely lived month to month in a cheap apartment near the UBF center… I graduated with a degree in English Literature which doesn’t open up too many job opportunities, unfortunately. A couple months after I left UBF, I quit my job and started my own business. It was challenging, but I needed that in order to break free from UBF and poverty.“– C.W. former member of Downey UBF
Get a career or a new job to financially support your family. (Note: This will not be easy.) It’s recommended to get career training or vocational training. Your friends and colleagues (non-UBF, pre-UBF, and anti-UBF) can help you. For nowadays getting a connection is advised when getting a job/career.
When preparing to leave relocated as far away as possible from the UBF chapter. In this way you prevent or reduce stress, bad flashbacks, and psychological triggers.
Children: If you have children depending on what age they are fill them in on what is going on in a way they may understand. If the chapter director or any of the seniors find out that you are leaving they will attempt to separate your children from you. So keep your children away from the seniors and the chapter director.
Divorce: This option should be used as a last resort. The best way to do this is in private and without informing the chapter director, the seniors, or anyone else that is pro-UBF. Don’t inform your soon to be ex-spouse right off the bat. That way you won’t publicly humiliate your soon to be ex-spouse. If you do chose this option and have children take custody of your children to help steer them away from UBF. You may end up face a custody battle with your ex-spouse.
Sunday Service: Attend Sunday service in another (non-UBF) church and bring your spouse along if they are willing to come with and if that sincere trust is developed. Here is a list of actual mainline churches: http://ubfriends.net/?s=Real+mainline+churches
Stories/experiences of UBF arranged families after they left UBF for good:
“My own arranged marriage happened a little differently … My husband arranged our marriage himself and was very open and aboveboard about it because he did not care whether any missionary liked it or not. Secrecy is not his thing.
I didn’t know about his arrangements and simply assumed that I had been pimped out to someone I barely knew, which was typical back then. These days when someone asks me how I met my husband, I find it a little embarrassing to admit that we got married in a cult.
In our marriage we overcame almost insurmountable obstacles, such as debt in the amount of about two million dollars in medical bills because my children were born too early. I largely blame UBF for this medical disaster because its high-pressure culture to perform did not exempt expecting mothers.
My children are still suffering from the after –effects of their untimely birth. But I am holding on to 1 Corinthians 15:7-8, which states, “Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles, and last of all he appeared to me also, as to one abnormally born” (NIV). Apostle Paul was most likely not referring to an abnormal natural birth when he made this statement. But I am claiming this verse anyway in hopes that one day my children will be like Apostle Paul.
Eventually, my family and I did not want to tolerate UBF anymore because it was not based on the gospel and God’s grace, but on human efforts and absolute obedience to missionaries who presumed that they could run people’s lives better than God or the people they tried to control in every way.
But just like buying a timeshare, it was easier to get into UBF than get out of it. My husband wanted out earlier than I did. I resisted his attempts to leave because UBF was all I had. Due to my international marriage, I am an immigrant who has no family or social network in this country, which I have always found frightening.
Eventually, however, it made no sense to me, a grown-up, college-educated person, to defer to missionaries and ask their permission for even the smallest decisions. So my family and I left together and never regretted it.
My description of some types of UBF-arranged marriages has – I am sure – already been said many times many ways. It showed me again how the leaders of this organization played games with people’s lives and happiness. I am thankful my family and I left when we did.
Live well! Live blessed!“– Moriah ex-member of Maryland UBF and Cologne (Germany) UBF
“I have been having these difficult discussions with my family since leaving two years ago. It will be an on-going discussion for a while, it seems. I remember the first week out when I got to spend some time with my children when I normally didn’t. It was a Friday night. Usually, I stayed late at the center for music practice, since I led the worship music time at the beginning of the Sunday service. My kids were confused and asked, “Why are you home?” I asked them, “What would you like to do? I’m here for you now.” I’ll never forget how their faces lit up with joy. They just wanted to ride their bikes around the block and then watch a movie together! We had a great time. I made it a priority to spend my time with my family and to never let UBF or other such things take that time away from them. From then on, we setup a “movie night” for every Friday night which we still do.“– C.W. ex-member of Downey UBF
**I would like to thank Moriah, Beka, C.W., Wikigoat, Chris, and anonymous for your help and contribution for this article. With you all this article would have been impossible.**