From time to time I have had the opportunity to take an Emotional Intelligence test or “EQ” test. This is like an “IQ” test, but instead of gauging a person’s intellect, the EQ test gauges a person’s emotional aptitude. I was stunned a couple years ago to find that my EQ was low–so low I was in the “needs much help” category. This opened my eyes to a lot of issues. After decades of supposed world class training, I was severely lacking in the realm of understanding and expressing emotions. I was further stunned to discover that almost all actual world class leaders talk about being emotionally healthy!
More recently, I took an Emotional Intelligence class. I learned that unlike our IQ, our EQ is often changeable. This time I scored in the mid-section, the “can use emotions effectively”. I’m not an EQ rockstar, of course, but I am learning to understand my emotions and the emotions of other people around me. I find that life is so much more enjoyable when I pay attention to these feelings. One action item that is giving me more confidence is that I am learning a new word list. I found that I just do not have the words to describe my emotions. So I working through 100 ways to describe how you feel.
To feel resentful is to feel full of or marked by indignant ill will. Learning this week of how certain leaders in our former organization promote and protect abusers made me feel an entire spectrum of emotions–demoralized, angered, indignant, fearful, depressed and hopeless. The toxic leadership has just gone on too long. When will repentance and liberation come? Have they not learned even the basic ideas of community? Why do they continue to self-righteously ignore the very idea of the gospel of grace?
This week my Grandfather passed away. He was in his 80’s. I was concerned because the last time a close family member passed away (my Father), I became lost in a religious fantasy world and denied my feelings. Thankfully, that is not the case this time. I grieved with my family. I celebrated my Grandfather’s life. He was a WWII tank driver. The local veteran’s association sent guards to the funeral who fired rounds of blanks into the sky. I am so glad to finally begin dealing with life events in a more emotionally healthy way. Still the loss is there. My Grandfather was the epitome of Christian faith to me.